Dreaming Out Loud

2017 turning 18- year in review

11:29 PM

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Today i have something slightly different to post. Recently i was scrolling through Pinterest and i found this poem/i don't really know what to call it so i'm just going to say post that i really liked. Well, 'like' isn't the right word to describe it. This really speaks to me, refer back to my last post and you'll understand why. I haven't been through the eating disorder part of this, but i have been through the struggles of feeling overweight and the 'weight' that comes with that. I hope to God that no one would ever relate to this post, but i know that unfortunately, most girls will. I'm not sure who the original author is, but i found it on Pinterest.

A FAT LITTLE GIRL
is eight years old, she’s got pink cheeks that her grandmother calls chubby. She wants a second cookie but her aunt says “you’ll get huge if you keep eating.” She wants a dress and the woman in the changing room says “she’ll probably need a large in that.” She wants to have dessert and her waiter says “After all that dinner you just had? You must be really hungry!” and her parents laugh.

A FAT LITTLE GIRL
is eleven and she is picked second-to-last in gym class. She watches a cartoon and sees that everyone who is annoying is drawn with a big wide body, all sweaty and panting. At night she dreams she is swelling like the ocean over seabeds. When she wakes up, she skips school.

A FAT LITTLE GIRL
is thirteen and her friends are stick-thin ballerinas with valleys between their hipbones. She is instead developing the wide curves of her mother. She says she is thick but her friends argue that she’s “muscular” and for some reason this hurts worse than just admitting that she jiggles when she walks and she’ll never be a dancer. Eating seconds of anything feels like she’s breaking some unspoken rule. The word “indulgent” starts to go along with “food.”

A FAT LITTLE GIRL
is fourteen and she has stopped drinking soda and juice because they bloat you. She always takes the stairs. She fidgets when she has to sit still. Whenever she goes out for ice cream, she leaves half at the bottom - but someone else always leaves more and she feels like she’s falling. She pretends to like salad more than she does. She feels eyes burrowing through her body while she eats lunch. Kate Moss tells her nothing tastes as good as skinny feels, but she just feels like she is wilting.

A FAT LITTLE GIRL
is fifteen the first time her father says “you’re getting gaunt.” She rolls her eyes. She eats one meal a day but thinks she stays the same size. Every time she picks up a brownie she thinks of the people she sees on t.v. and every time she has cake, she thinks of the one million magazine articles on restricting calories. She used to have no idea a flat stomach was supposed to be beautiful until she saw advice on how to achieve it. She cuts back on everything. She controls. They tell her she’s getting too thin but she doesn’t believe it.

A FAT LITTLE GIRL
is sixteen and tearing herself into shreds in order for a thigh gap big enough to hush the screams in her head. She doesn’t “indulge,” ever. She can’t go out with friends, they expect her to eat. She damns her sweet tooth directly to hell. It’s coffee for breakfast and tea for lunch and if there’s dance that evening, two cups of water and then maybe an apple. She lies all the time until she thinks the words will rot her teeth. She dreams about food when she sleeps. Her aunt begs her to eat anything, even just a small cookie. They say, “One bite won’t make you fat, will it, darling?”

A FAT LITTLE GIRL
is seventeen and too sick to go to prom because she can’t stand up for very long. She thinks she wouldn’t look good in a dress anyway. Her nails are blue and not because they are painted. Her hair is too thin to do anything with. She’s tired all the time and always distracted. She once absently mentions the caloric value of grapes to the boy she is with and he looks at her like she’s gone insane and in that moment she realizes most people don’t have numbers constantly scrolling in their heads. She swallows hard and tries to figure out where it all went wrong, why more than a granola bar for a meal makes her feel sick, why she tastes disease and courts with death. She misses sleep. She misses being able to dream. She misses being herself instead of just being empty.

A FAT LITTLE GIRL
is twenty and writes poetry and is a healthy weight and still fights down the voices every single day. She puts food in her mouth and sometimes cries about it but more and more often feels good, feels balanced. Her cheeks are pink and they are chubby and soft and no longer growing slight fur. Her hair is long and it is beautiful. She still picks herself apart in the mirror, but she’s starting to get better about it. She wears the dress she likes even if it only fits her in a large and she doesn’t feel like a failure for it. She is falling in love with the fat on her hips.

She is eating out with friends and not worrying about finding the lowest calorie item on the menu when she hears a mother tell her four year old daughter “You can’t have ice cream, we just had dinner.
You don’t want to end up as a fat little girl.”

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You are so Incredibly Beautiful

11:01 PM

HELLO AMIGOS!!! I feel like it’s been months since I’ve written on here, oh wait, IT HAS.

My sincerest apologies for depriving you of my writings, but life has been so crazy lately and to be honest I really had nothing to write.

BUT I am back here today to write about an experience I had today/a recurring experience.

I hope y’all can read this and feel like you relate, which I don’t know yet if it’ll be a good or bad thing if you do lol.

So some of y’all that follow me on Instagram have seen my continuous countdown to MY BIRTHDAY!!! My birthday is July 24th, and on that day my volleyball team and I are going to Kings Island! This will be my first time going to Kings Island, so I am obviously super excited to go, especially on my birthday.

I ran into one issue though, while planning this awesome trip, I realized i don’t have any amusement park appropriate outfits.

So I did what any girl would do.

I WENT SHOPPING.

I first looked in my closet to find a backup outfit in case I didn’t find anything to wear, which is always a good thing. LIL TIP FROM ME TO YOU: ALWAYS HAVE A BACKUP OUTFIT.

So we went to a couple stores, and didn’t find any shorts cheap enough at the first two places. So we went down to TJMaxx.

I found a couple pairs I liked that were oN CLEARANCE HALLELUJAH, and went to the change room to try them on.

Now, let me just get this straight. I am NOT a skinny person. That sounds awful but it’s the truth. I have never owned a size small top or any jeans under a size 10. I have thunder thighs and i have belly fat and bigger ankles, but it’s just the way I’m built. I have always been a bigger girl, and it is never a bad thing to be on the heavier side as long as you aren’t unhealthy.

But now on to the part where it gets more serious.

I have been seeing way too many photos lately on how to lose weight fast and skinny mini celebrities, and when I looked up how to loosen a pair of jeans up it took me to a website that showed what a ‘real woman’s body’ should look like. I’m not linking that article, because I don’t ever want anyone to experience the anger I felt when I read that. Those girls were extremely unhealthy looking! They were tiny, size 00 models who obviously were not built that way. They looked sick, and those humans were branding it into people’s brains that THAT was a normal woman? To be honest with you all, it made me feel so insecure reading that because it does shame you into thinking “Well maybe I’m not skinny enough, I don’t have a thigh gap or collarbones poking out, maybe I’m not a real woman.”

I can never lie and say I haven’t thought that about myself before.

I am going to be so honest with you all right now, when i was standing there looking at myself in that flashy change room with size 14 shorts on that were still too tight, I started to cry.

I outright began to bawl.

Because the way these companies make clothes, all the sizes are so different, and I hated myself in that outfit. Because I couldn’t fit into a size 14. I stood there crying in the changing room because I felt more ugly than I ever had in my life. I couldn’t believe I didn’t fit into that size, that I had been too big to fit into what in today’s day and age is considered plus size.

I really let loose just standing there. (sorry to the poor other people in that change area that heard me snotting and sobbing. )

This society has brainwashed girls like me into thinking we are fat and huge and aren’t worthy of wearing clothes like shorts and tank tops and rompers. We believe them. And that fact scars me worse than anything. Most girls struggle with their bodies, because our hormones are so BAM HI HOW ARE YA when we get to this age that we could barely eat anything and gain twelve pounds. I myself have gained more weight than I should have, I will admit that I’m not in the best shape. But I should not be made fun of and be made to feel bad about it! We should be encouraging one another, like share healthy recipes with each other, invite some friends to go work out or walk with you. It is way easier to do with friends.

I am honestly struggling with the way I see myself, and I have had trouble with this for years. I’m making progress though. I’ve gotten my acne under control, I learned how to do my makeup to enhance my features and make me feel more beautiful, i found a sense of style I love. I cut my hair today because I felt like it would help me be a little more confident if i just cut off a little bit (or about 6 inches like I actually did), and you know what? It helped. A lot. The one thing I noticed and smiled at while i was in that changing room crying was my hair and my face. I have come to love my face and the way my features are. And let me tell you, that was enough of a confidence booster for me to take off those shorts and put on a pair of jeans I found that I loved. And then I felt so good because I looked good in the jeans.

It takes so long to get the level of confidence that some girls have. Let me tell ya, all you girls out there that are comfortable and confident with yourselves, GO YOU! Because I would never wish an experience like I had today on anyone. You should never cry in a change room because you don’t look like the models or celebs.

I shouldn’t cry, but I did. Sometimes it happens.

I want you all to know that it is okay if you don’t fit in that one size of pants, or if your boobs are smaller or bigger than most. It’s so so okay if you are not skinny, or if you’re not curvy. It’s so totally okay. You should want to be healthy and work out to build muscle, but you shouldn’t do it just to starve yourself and to be skinny. Do it to be healthy.

This post is kind of a message to myself too, because I saw so many posts on skinniness and diets and stuff today, I just wrote what I needed to hear. Sometimes you need to hear it from someone other than your family to really see and hear that you’re beautiful. I always try to write what I need to hear, and what I would want to read. I never see any posts like this, and I hope that if you’re struggling with your self image that this comes across your path because you are so worth it, and you should know that.

I guess the message that I want you to take away from this is that you, my dears, are so INCREDIBLY beautiful. You are made in the likeness of God, and you are so worth more than you believe. You are beautiful and deserve to believe so.

I’m going to insert this song that I absolutely love into this post, because I feel like almost every girl can relate to this.

I realize now that it shouldn’t be so common to relate to this post, but the sad truth is exactly that. Please girls, please realize your worth, and that you are so incredibly beautiful the way you are. And give yourselves a hug once in a while too, because why not?

Scars to your Beautiful- Alessia Cara

-Liv

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My Old Kentucky Home

1:45 PM

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100 Facts About Me

12:45 PM

I have an unhealthy obsession with Gilmore Girls. IN OMNIA PARATUS
My favorite bible verse is Isaiah 43:19
When i was younger, i was taller than literally all my friends. Then one day, i stopped growing which left me at the teeny height of 5’4. Bummer.
I was born in Indianapolis, IN, but we moved here to Somerset when i was 9. I never really considered myself to be from Indiana. We spent so much time while i was growing up here in Kentucky that it just became home.
My favorite colors are gray and royal blue
My favorite holiday is Christmas.
My birthday is July 24th
My favorite food is chicken alfredo with an ungodly amount of parmesan cheese. *angels singing in the background*
I despise hot dogs, and bolonga. And pretty much anything that involves forty kinds of “meat” being stuffed into one odd looking link.
I met my best friend on September 4th, 2014
I collect Arizona tea cans. I own one with Shaquille O’Neal’s face on it. Niiceee
My favorite candy is Reese’s. Because, like, peanut butter and chocolate? How can you go wrong?
My favorite thing to drink is peach tea. Because here down south we gots to have our tea sweet.
I am lactose intolerant.
I have asthma.
I LOVE DOGS. No like seriously, ask my friends. I am unhealthily obsessed with my babies.
I hate Facebook. TBH i prefer Instagram.
I get stressed out SUPER easily. When one minor inconvenience happens there i am rocking in the corner.
I really admire the volleyball player Lauren Carlini
My favorite actress is Lauren Graham. CUZ I MEAN GILMORE GIRLS OKAY
Some of my favorite songs include: Stereo Hearts by Gym Class Heroes ft. Adam Levine, Lights Down Low by MAX, You and Me by Lifehouse, Legendary by Welshly Arms.
My favorite Youtubers are Liza Koshy, iiSuperwomanii, and Chili Hot Beans(AALIYAH YOU BETTER SEE THIS). Oh yeah, and Blimey Cow.
For some odd reason, i am fascinated by printers.
I absolutely DESPISE the smell and taste of citrus. I hate lemon, and oranges especially. I can only stand the small really sweet oranges that you peel on your own ya know, but i still hate the smell.
I started blogging on June 19th, 2015
I cant swim. I would die if i ever crashed in a boat. Which is why i dont go on boats.
Spring is my favorite season.
I could probably eat Cool Whip for the rest of my life. I love whipped cream.
I’m graduating high school in 2020, even though i am in 10th grade. Im just postponing it so i can graduate with my best friends.
I currently do not have a crush on anyone. Which is a first in like 5 years lol.
When i watch the college volleyball senior highlights it makes me quite emotional and i dont know why. Specifically Lauren Carlini’s from Wisconsin Volleyball. IT MAKES ME REALIZE THAT I DONT HAVE MUCH LONGER TO PLAY FOR CCHE IT MAKES ME SAD OKAY
I can attack a volleyball somewhat successfully with both my right and left hands.
I can also write my name somewhat successfully with both hands. I say somewhat even with my right hand because i kinda missed out on this cute handwriting gene every girl seems to possess.
TV commercials cause me an extreme amount of irritation. LIKE WHO NEEDS THAT MANY FREAKING PHONES AND STUFF REALLY THOUGH
I love the Somernites Cruise. We have only missed maybe two shows in about 8 years.
One of my guilty pleasures is old Taylor Swift songs. Im talkin ‘Tim McGraw’ ‘Teardrops on my Guitar’ ‘Fearless’. DONT JUDGE
I am one of the few people in the world that likes salad. I just really like salad.
I also LOOVEEEEEE COFFEE.
I own a crap ton of lipsticks but i never wear them.
I can drop a huge amount of money on a pair of earphones but have extreme emotional anxiety when i pay $1.50 for a tshirt.
I really just dont buy clothes unless there is a visible extreme markdown from like $70 to $30
I love to shoot guns, and i’m joining the competitive shooting team next year.
I am the Vice President of the CCHE student council.
I’m actually pretty good at rapping, but the only problem is that i sound terrible HAH.
I’m pretty sure one of the greatest days of my life was the day we won the KCSAA championship banner for the first time in CCHE history. Partially because i was on the floor at the time and partially because it had never been done before.
I own way too many pairs of Converse.
My favorite movie is Smokey and the Bandit. I think the first time i ever saw that movie was like when i was born so i basically was raised on that movie LOL
I can tell you the very specific differences between ‘54,’55,’56, and ‘57 Chevrolets.
Two of my many nicknames are Batman and Florence on fleek. Dont question them… :|
I dont have any idea what the first song i ever slow danced to was, but i remember the tune like it was yesterday. No clue what the lyrics were but theres that LOL
Im only 50 facts in and i have no idea what else to say about myself.
I love ranch dressing. I was definitely raised in Somerset ;)
I am freakishly sentimental. No seriously, i cant throw away a tiny piece of paper that says hi from one of my friends. I CANT DO IT
This fact number is also my volleyball jersey number, #54.
I could spend 4000 years in a sports store. I think that’s where the bulk of my money in the past 4 years has gone.
I recently found a love for graphic design. I dont know, its just really entertaining.
I only have like ten contacts in my phone that i regularly text.
I love people that dont even care about texting ‘hey’ to start the convo. LIke just text me “YOO DUDE GUESS WHAT MICHAEL DID” and me, having no idea who michael is, will text back “DUDE WHAT DID MICHAEL DO NOW”. So theres that for anyone who ever debates just texting me ‘hey’
I love the smell of coconut, but hate the taste.
I don’t like being stuck at home with nothing to do except the internet. When im out im always on my phone but when im at home i want nothing to do with it. I have a problem :|
My family is technically Non-Denominational, but we go to a Baptist church. When we lived in Indiana we went to a Presbyterian church.
90% of the time, i read way too far into things and my predictions end up being wrong. EXCEPT for those very rare times like a couple weeks ago when i predict something and everyones all like “oh it’ll be fine!!” then BOOM EARTHQUAKE and im sitting over here like “Toldja”
I love when people give me pictures. Like if we’ve ever taken a photo together for my birthday just give me a printout of that photo and i will love you forever.
I plan to have a wall covered in all my favorite photos when we finish renovating my room.
I love Boston Terriers. I’ve had my baby Spanky since i was like 2.
When i get old enough, i want to get a tattoo of a cross in between my fingers, on my ring finger where my wedding band will go.
I love broccoli with cheese.
I have been trying to avoid getting a new phone (psh, i havent been able to afford a new phone) for like two years now and it’s finally on it’s deathbed so i will have to find some way to get a new one.
I have also had about 5 pairs of earphones and 3 charging cables for my phone and i just bought some new earphones and they too quit working. THANKS A LOT, APPLE.
I like rain at night. Something about it raining while im falling asleep is comforting.
It’s taken me a week to write all these.
One of my favorite foods is my grandma’s thanksgiving sweet potatoes. She puts so much brown sugar and marshmallows in it you’d never know it was a vegetable. I LOVE IT
My family is of Scottish descent.
I love Goodwills in Indiana. They are sooo much better than Kentucky Goodwills.
I never planned on cutting my hair, until i asked my mom to trim it and it didnt exactly go as planned so i had to chop half of it off. It looks really nice though and i love it.
I am reeealllyyy bad at dealing with serious situations, i tend to either laugh or smile really creepily. Sometimes i can avoid it but half the time i cant. Sorry im a weird sick freak.
I love brown sugar and cinnamon PopTarts.
And barbecue sauce.
I am one of those supposed freaks of nature that likes ham and pineapple on her pizza. ITS JUST SO GOOD
I don’t like watching movies. I cannot physically sit there and watch one thing and one storyline for hours. Sit me in front of a computer with YouTube and im good to go.
I am also one of those people that cracks their knuckles constantly.
If you look at my inner wrist on my right hand, you can see where i almost broke it when i was younger. Yeah, i punched a wall and they said i was fine but it still hurts off and on.
One of my friends also almost broke my left wrist by landing on my arm with a roller skate.
I used to be really good at roller skating until i took a hiatus for about 9 years and lost the talent.
My favorite Starbucks is a vanilla bean frappe.
My favorite Baxters drink is a Mocha Blitz
I never eat actual breakfast food for breakfast. I prefer lunch food for breakfast and cereal at night.
If anyone were to ask me where my second home was, I’d take you to the gym at Oak Hill Baptist church. That’s where i’ve spent 90% of my time for the past 5 years.
I cant take a good selfie on the first try to save my life.
I hate using cliches.
I can demonstrate a skill i have any day, but ask me to verbally explain it and i cant do it.
If i’m put on the spot with something, i tend to freeze and just sit/stand there in silence.
Most of the time when i cry because of something, its not because im sad. Im really just trying not to kill you.
I cannot dance at all. Choreographed dances like the swing dance and easy ones like slow dancing or a waltz i can do, but not like regular dancing. I CANT DO THE MACARENA OR WHIP AND NAE NAE. Heck i can barely even manage the YMCA.
I say “fight me” a lot for a girl who’s like 5’4 and has trouble opening some jars.
I cant do math on paper, but ask me to tally up the percentage i’m getting off a purchase with this coupon? IM A FREAKING GENIUS.
I hate spiders.
And clowns.
Hummus hates me, so therefore i must hate it also.
My brain is officially fried and void of any more facts about myself.

~~~

So there you have it, 100 unnecessary facts about me. Now excuse me while i go binge watch Gilmore Girls for the millionth time.

-Liv

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Pages

2017 turning 18- year in review

WHY I WRITE

poem

You are so Incredibly Beautiful

My Old Kentucky Home

“Hometown

The town where one was born or grew up; the town of one’s fixed residence.”

A.K.A, Kentucky.

The Tight-knit Community

2. Somernites Cruise

3. The history

5. The Sports

6. The Beauty

SERVES 4

100 Facts About Me

Me

Friends

Contact

Pages

2017 turning 18- year in review

WHY I WRITE

poem

You are so Incredibly Beautiful

My Old Kentucky Home

“Hometown

The town where one was born or grew up; the town of one’s fixed residence.”

A.K.A, Kentucky.

The Tight-knit Community

2. Somernites Cruise

3. The history

5. The Sports

6. The Beauty

*SERVES 4*

100 Facts About Me

Me

Friends

Contact

SERVES 4