So today i just feel like talking. So that's what this blank page is for, just to listen to my thoughts pouring out of my fingertips. So i hope you enjoy it.

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You know, everyone goes through tough times. When you have no idea why in the world anything would happen to you. You, of all people. The one percent chance of anything happening to, and it does. Okay, fine. Maybe it's a little more than one percent, but still.
Sometimes there is no reason or explanation for why you have to go through tough times. You will have absolutely no idea what to do next, and you just keep praying the situation reverses itself and you are alright.

That's where i am now.
I have no idea what is going on or what i am supposed to be doing, but all i know is that God has me exactly where he wants me. I have to trust in that, even though i really am having trouble seeing it.
He has to give me peace in this moment of stress and worry.
I'll have to admit, it's scaring me. Having no control over this situation and having nothing to do with it. It is completely, utterly terrifying me. I have to keep silent over it though.
It may not seem like much to others, but it is to me. This here fire i am walking through, its huge in my mind.
But one thing i am learning from this is that i cannot do this alone.

Which is why God doesn't ever leave your side. Because He is your protector, your defender. He is GOD in which anything is possible.

One thing i always have running through my mind in any time of trouble is this: "Whatever the outcome, there always IS an outcome. It will either be good, bad, or utterly horrible. But either way, you'll come out on the other side eventually."

It's true, no matter what you are walking through, you will always come out on the other side with God still there with you.

Honestly, sometimes i feel like screaming. I have cried. I have really cried. I don't think I've cried that hard in a while. Sometimes you have to cry alone at night because a fear is suddenly a reality. And unfortunately, you have to accept it sometimes. That whatever the outcome is, that is exactly what it's supposed to be.

You are always where He wants you. Even if you do have to cry, scream. Anything. It's a moment of weakness that is a part of your fire. Showing vulnerability in a moment of pain is okay. It just means you are human. It isn't a flaw. If anything, it is a sign that God made you perfect. No one is supposed to be an emotionless robot. It's okay.

I admit to you, that I have prayed so hard for this to turn out different than what i think it will. There is always that tiny bit of hope in the back of my mind that is saying "Hey, it'll be completely different than what you see right now in front of you."
I, in this moment, am still believing it. I will freely admit that. I cannot see myself living the life that i'd have to if this turned out in the 50% chance that it can. So i am choosing to believe the other 50%.  I still know, however, that i will pull through no matter what. Because God is right there with me.

Because whatever road he wants me to walk, He will direct my ways. He is the lamp unto my feet. He guides my way, and wherever He sends me, I'll go. Because I trust He will pull me through to wherever He  needs me to be, and eventually i will have to be okay with that.

I stand by my words of being utterly terrified. It is human nature to be scared. I am not ashamed of being scared. I can't lie and say i am okay every night, half the nights i am awake until at least 4:00 in the morning because i cant shut my brain off. Some nights i get more sleep than others. I really honestly love the days where i don't have to be in my house all day, so that i have distractions from everything. If i don't have distractions, i cant function properly. My brain goes a million miles a minute.
But that still doesn't mean i am not an introvert. I still have to have alone time to recharge. Showers, late night computer time alone in my room. My room is my safe-space.
That above paragraph is something that only one or two of my closest friends knows about. That i can't function either in big crowds or completely alone. I have to have my phone or my computer or a volleyball in my hand or something. I'm either always doing those or i have a pen in my hand.
I've sidetracked. I've honestly lost sight of what my beginning point was, but i'm sure you know.

Whoever reads this, if anyone reads it at all, just know something, If you are walking a road you're unsure of, just know God is with you. You cannot fail if He is there with you. Whatever you are going through right now, He's there. Even if it scares the crap out of you, there will always be an outcome.
Just remember.

"Whatever the outcome, there always IS an outcome. It will either be good, bad, or utterly horrible, but you will come out on the other side eventually."
Sidewalk Prophets- Help Me Find It

Colton Dixon- Through All of It

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writing this helped with my feelings tonight, so i hope you like it/relate.
If i could have your prayers i would be grateful, too.

God Bless,